In this post I will go over the changes to your mind, thoughts and spirit you may experience during your journal journey. Of course, you must do what comes naturally to you so feel free to adapt and add to the process. Journalling can be used for so many reasons, however the main thing is that you begin. With this in mind, the first step is the easiest one: just start writing.
I started journalling because of the feeling. It gave me an outlet for my thoughts, and when I could see them in front of me I realised how much I actually knew. I put all the pieces of information from my brain together like a puzzle and levelled up. My head is usually going in all directions and the pieces spin like trying to play Tetris whilst drinking Tequila. Nothing quite makes sense and the information never slots together, although I am aware of bits and pieces of my mind. When I journal, the information stays plastered on the page and voila - I have a lightbulb moment. I can see the whole puzzle come to form and the bigger picture is there in all its glory.
For example, this is how I learnt that my ego self was controlling my actions. I started writing about situations and behaviours that brought pain (because pain = power always... No exceptions!) and I saw a blindingly obvious pattern, practically lit up in flashing lights: I would turn all of my experiences inwards, falling into an unhelpful trait named "Self-Criticism".
If I drifted from a friend, I found a way to make it my fault,
If I lost a lover, it was my fault because I wasn't good enough in one way or the other,
If I was around someone who was in a bad mood or their actions were volatile, I probably did something to cause that, I should have said/done xyz... you get the gist.
This pattern was clear within the majority of my experiences, even dating back to my earliest memories. My brain/ego self must have formulated this reactive pattern at a young age, as I have vivid memories of emotional outbursts, breakdowns and panic attacks as a reaction to these overwhelmingly negative and self-blaming thoughts rushing to my head all at once. As a child, I had no idea that my thoughts are not me and they are most certainly not fact, nor are they always a true reflection of reality.
So of course, when I was triggered I had no idea how to rationalise those thoughts - I was on autopilot. I was sleepwalking through life, completely unaware that I was not in control. On the contrary, I was blindly reacting with little thought to just how destructive self-criticism was to my health and happiness. As to be expected, each time I criticised myself and drowned myself in a pool of shame, I would lose a piece of my self respect, confidence and love. By the time I figured out I was stuck in the loop of pain and self-criticism, I was in my twenties and I had sunk to rock bottom.
However, with awareness comes the ability to actually change. I could erase my automatic reaction to pain (self criticism) and replace it with something healthy and empowering.... accountability (Remember this, I'll go into it later.)
Whilst I was unconscious to this pattern, I just followed orders from my Ego like a yes man. Now I had become conscious, I could fire my Ego's ass! This is where choice comes in.
Side note: I find if you name what is going on inside your head, once you realise what it is and break out of the spell, you can remove its anchoring power. You change the narrative from "I am shit" to "Self-Criticism is what tells me I am shit, it has nothing to do with who I am".
At this point, I understand my automatic reaction to painful situations is to go over my insecurities and deficiencies with a fine tooth comb. I will then stack a huge pile of improvements to make, which was due yesterday. I decided that I didn't want this pattern in my life anymore. The only issue was that I could understand the logic behind why my Ego was relying upon Self - Criticism:
- I have minimal conflict with others because all of the conflict is self directed and internal
- It brought me a sense of control, since if I am actively blaming myself, I can fall back on self criticism as the "reason" for why shitty things happen
The only issue was that my brain couldn't quite compute that it was self destructive, rather than a long-term solution. My Ego self did not take into account the following:
- It wore away my sense of self and destroyed confidence
- It was not a proactive solution, since beating myself up did not improve my ability to actually cope with pain
- It caused me to have a lack of trust with myself and others, since Self - Criticism is painful and I would avoid situations that could trigger it
- I could not reflect or grow because Self - Criticism is like being insulted and bullied on a daily basis. When has a flower ever grown in a toxic environment? We all need nourishment through honest but fair reflections, love and encouragement.
Which leads me to why I got so addicted to journalling and the process of replacing unhealthy thought and behavioural patterns. It enlightened me to all the weird and wonderful things my brain does to protect me, yet it goes about it in such a chaotic and self destructive way. I guess it's the thought that counts, right?
Except, I'd rather be in control. I want to choose my essence. I don't want to bully and tear myself down, which is how it feels to criticise yourself consistently. I do want to learn and gain perspective from pain, which looks like knowing I am a 10/10 person, even after I fucked up. I am still worthy of respect. It looks like having a balance of feeling the emotions life brings and accepting everything for what it is. It looks like understanding how life happened without negative judgement or contempt and using that new wisdom to level up. That is when you start becoming secure. All the writing in my journal gives me the opportunity to create a new mindset and set of behaviours that suit ME.
So, I transformed myself through accountability, replacing my old habit of self criticism. Here are the key differences between the two processes;
Accountability | Self Criticism |
Reflecting on the facts without judgement or self-deprecation | Using negative, cruel and unfair judgements upon yourself, as a form of control |
Understanding its human to make mistakes, and its actually essential for our growth | Expecting perfection from yourself, meaning all mistakes are unacceptable and reflect your worth as a person |
Highlighting where you can change your thoughts and behaviours to learn from each situation in a healthy way | Automatically dismissing any improvements, as you "should" just be better! (Should's and Could's are banned from your vocabulary, starting now) |
Knowing where you have control and where you have no control at all i.e. anyone's actions or opinions that are not your own are OUT OF YOUR CONTROL | Feeling responsible for other peoples emotions, thoughts and decisions, as a result blaming yourself for their behaviours or disrespect towards you |
These are just a few slight yet impactful differences between these two thought processes. Can you see where the difference can make a huge change to your self esteem and overall mood? By altering your response, you can maximise growth and minimise pain.
I hope you have learnt just one thing about how journalling can alter your mindset, create healthy thoughts and put you in control of your actions. The point of journalling is to open your mind like a book, and decide what you want to backspace in the process. It is the way to identify any unhealthy ego states you are in, and replace them with the wisdom of your highest self.
Think back to when you've been in pain. How do you react? Can you observe your automatic reactions and behaviours without judgement or criticism?
All my love, Fi x
PS. see below for a short step by step reminder of the process.
The Journal process
Writing and Observation
Awareness of behaviours and patterns
Gather any necessary knowledge e.g. I researched about radical acceptance, listened to podcasts about healthy and secure beliefs
Replace with new behaviour/thought processes/beliefs
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